“Why don’t you write about everything that you’re feeling/going through right now?”
Because it’s nothing. Honestly, “nothing at all.” All I feel is indifference, for everything and everyone. With that, I just went “silent”
Isn’t it weird how you change over the course of time and build yourself after every set back? Yet it’s equally wonderful because when you go through this process, you barely even realise it.
A couple of weeks ago, when my deep rooted insecurities made me get back to writing again, I wrote a piece about how I became a version of me that’s stark opposite of who I used to be. I have been through a transformation that’s made me stronger for sure but paradoxically vulnerable too.
Not too long ago, I read a article which quoted,
Humans have evolved to require deep and meaningful connections. It’s a survival mechanism which drives us to connect with others. But realistically, those deep connections we crave are not easy to find. When people fall short of the connections they desire and their only choice is superficial socializing or nothing, they can get lonely.
At some point in our lives, the chances are that you and I will feel lonely.
Researchers define loneliness as perceived social isolation, a feeling of not having the social contacts one would like.
As I probe further, I found myself introspecting on whether I was experiencing “loneliness”! Honestly, we all feel lonely from time to time. Feelings of loneliness are personal, so everyone’s experience of loneliness will be different.
But if we had to generalise, loneliness is the feeling we get when our need for rewarding social contact and relationships is not met.
Mind you, loneliness is not always the same as being alone.
You may choose to be alone and live happily without much contact with other people, while others may find this a lonely experience.
Or you may have lots of social contact, or be in a relationship or part of a family, and still feel lonely – especially if you don’t feel understood or cared for by the people around you.
So if there’s anything that I’ve learned over my transformative phase is the difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely – and how you can feel lonely in a crowd full of people, but quite peaceful and content when alone.
Never be afraid to spend time in your own company getting to know yourself better. That’s where true happiness is found.
Don’t get me wrong, but having been a “universal mother (jagat mata)” for most of my friendship years, I know for a fact that when we’re surrounded by other people, we’re expending a lot of energy. Trying to keep others happy, make them laugh, soothe their egos, read their emotions, and all of the other rigors that come along with regular interaction.
And believe me, that can be mentally draining. Being alone then gives you the perfect opportunity for a little self reflection. Since you aren’t spending so much time processing the thoughts and feelings of others, it’s the best time to turn your focus inwards.
Doesn’t solitude provide the perfect environment for reflection?
When you start to enjoy being alone, you’ll gain a greater perspective for your own emotions. You’ll create a deeper understanding of what makes you happy, what upsets you, and what saddens you.
With that knowledge, it’s then easier to regulate your emotions.
You’ll no longer feel that anxiety, or burning desire for company once you learn to enjoy being alone. You won’t feel the need for constant interaction with other people, or the anxiety associated with looking around and seeing no one but yourself.
But it all starts with understanding how you feel, and that comes from a little bit of solitude.
Solitude, in these days as much as ever, is an absolute necessity. Leo Babauta
The reason why I can confidently talk about this is because I’ve done, tested, tried and experienced this so personally. I’ve been someone who loved being called a “people’s person” which meant I’d prefer the person over the place, I’d enjoy with the human more than the scenic beauty.
Last night, while talking to my friend, I realised how and why this is so important. I was telling her about the time I took myself out for a coffee, or innumerable times I went out with myself at comedy nights or the first solo trip I took. I didn’t know how empowering that’d be while I experienced it but now that I look back on them, I realise that it’s played a major role in making me emotionally stronger than I ever was.
Believe me, I never would’ve thought of enjoying solitude as much as I do. I don’t like investing my energies into anything or anyone that is draining anymore. This meant moving away from both the people I once loved or I thought who loved me and also from the idealistic fantasies I had in my mind.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve had my friends circle get smaller in number but magnified in value. I’ve had myself embracing my flaws more than I’d appreciate others perfection. I’ve had myself look for what I feel within myself over how they feel. I’ve started to become “okay” with who and what I have rather than chasing for someone or something I cannot have. I no longer wish to change what people feel/think/do to affect me but rather accept it the way it is. I no longer care if it’s hurting me but I rather celebrate for it to have taught me. I’ve become silently indifferent.
Indifference is the strongest force in the universe. It makes everything it touches meaningless. Love and hate don’t stand a chance against it. Joan D. Vinge
What is that, you ask? It is me ignoring a text message when I want to and not feel guilty. It is me not answering a call because I don’t feel like without being too apologetic. It is me accepting the changed relationships without being shattered. It is me learning to be indifferent through my silence. It is me wanting to be in solitude. It is me prioritising myself yet not being selfish. It is me choosing peace of mind over everything and everyone.
I’m not saying to practice this every second of your life. I understand that it’s important to spend time around people. You can improve your habits and learn new things when you’re surrounded by interesting people. Of course, much of life’s biggest joys stem from our relationships.
But all I’m saying is that too much “people time” might be a bad thing. Our digital devices often make us feel like we need to be connected 24/7. And all of the noise, activity, and hustle can wear you out (and ironically can leave you feeling lonelier than ever).
Solitude then becomes an essential component to your health and well-being.
Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement.
Learning how to be comfortable by yourself may take some getting used to. But solitary skills could help you become mentally stronger.
Take a break from the hustle and bustle to think about whether you’re living life according to your values and whether you might want to make some changes.
You don’t need to aside huge chunks of time to be by yourself in order to benefit from solitude. Just 10 minutes of alone time each day could be enough to help you rejuvenate from the daily grind. If you think you don’t have time to sit quietly and think, you probably need alone time more than ever. The busier you are, the more likely you are to benefit from some quiet time.
Whether you decide to meditate, write in a journal, or take up a fun activity, it’s up to you. But, whatever you do, silence your surroundings (including your phone) and allow yourself to be alone with your thoughts.
Try scheduling an activity to do by yourself once a month. Go to dinner alone, take a long walk by yourself, or engage in an activity that you enjoy.
If you’re not used to solitude, the silence and lack of activity can feel uncomfortable at first. But, setting aside time to be alone is an essential component of building mental strength and living a rich and full life.
Isn’t it funny how everything you feel or have been experiencing is “legit” and does have a meaning? Whether it’s neuroscience or psychology, it’s simply amusing to figure out how you’ve been functioning over the years & how it’s equally relatable for many others out there.
Now for those who’re as clueless as I was, “Codependency” is a condition which makes you rely on others to have your self-worth, self-esteem and “emotional needs” met.
Okay, let me put it this way, normally, you should be able to define life for yourself, have a sense of purpose and decide on the direction your life should take. BUT, when you are a codependent, you can’t do any of these things. You need someone else to either do them for you, or you rely on their thoughts and opinions to decide what to do. Either way, you cannot move without them. Your self-identity and self-worth become dependent on the other person. You depend on their approval to say or do something. And in the event that they make a negative comment, you are bound to make an about-turn.
“Your whole being is involved in taking care of someone else, worrying about what they think of you, how they treat you, how you can make them treat you better. Right now everyone in the world seems to think that they are codependent and that they come from dysfunctional families. They call it codependency. I call it the human condition.” ~ Cynthia Heimel
In codependency, we either don’t set boundaries at all or enforce consequences when our boundaries are being violated and so it can look like we either don’t care or are ok with how we are being treated.
All my life, if there’s something I’ve ever wanted is to have that “one person” who I can fall back on for everything.
For a child to love their mother is quite natural but for what I had with my mom was different. I never realised or knew about it until now. My mom’s validation & love meant everything to me. I would literally go to any extend to seek that attention or warmth that I demand/crave from her. I would want to be there for her when no one else would. Anything & everything I would do, it’d be for HERhappiness. Whether it’s risking my life & falling sick over & over again as she’d wanna stay with my grandmom or crying for that additional 1% that I couldn’t score in my 10th grade (even though she was happy with it, lol) or pursuing medicine as a career ONLY because it would give her happiness. The list goes on.. Has this changed? NO. Will it? Idk.
Talking about my first bestfriend in school, I had shared some of my most vulnerable moments with her. I was extremely possessive & protective about her & about us. All of which that I’ve read about codependency was reflecting upon the friendship we once had. But like most codependent relationship, our friendship faded away/ended with her having a judgement in her mind about me being “too emotionally sensitive”. I still hold too many of her judgements about me to be true, I still carry a lot of her opinions within me because I truly believe she knew me or atleast I felt like she did.
From a young age, I felt insecure. I was highly sensitive and, subsequently, struggled with constant need of validation/love. I was caught up in vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that I was loved. This habitual practice, over time, led to an inability to be content unless something or someone was providing validation.
One of my actual codependent relationship began when I met my first ever guy bestfriend. The whole idea of having a guy bestfriend, in itself was a biggie for me. He was older than I was. If I look back on, our routine was unhealthy and unproductive. We would spend our time mostly on the phone. I remember leaving aside everything except a few of mundane college stuff to BE WITH HIM. I began to see myself as an incomplete person, one who was in need of major repairs and upgrades. I was so emotionally fragile that the wind could’ve knocked me over.
In a frantic effort to self-preserve, I adopted several fear-based behaviors. I became obsessed with him. I was controlling and jealous. I needed to know everything about him. I wanted him to love me.
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beattie
Over the months we spent together, I neglected everything else. I disconnected from my family and friends. I knew something had to change, so I gathered the courage and left him behind.
(P.S: I love him & will always do for what we’ve shared but this is more about how I function as a person & less about how he was.)
I was & am still so LUCKY to have this one amazing person, my bestfriend, who stood by me through it all. I remember a couple of months ago, while we were going through our rough patch (which I can now understand could be a part of my chain), I confessed to her that “I am a difficult person to be with. I am needy & I will need constant validation & reassurance.” (Back then, I didn’t know what it meant to be a codependent person & whether or not I fit into the definition, atleast psychologically) We have our share of ups & downs, but what comes in play here is her unshakeable love & belief. Its her who has saved our relationship & kept us going (more about her in a special blog, someday)
I falsely believed for many years that love and obsession were one and the same. I gave so much of myself to my friends/people I love, naively thinking that this was the road to happiness.
I’ve learned that real love requires both partners to have unique, individual identities outside of their friendship/relationship. Time alone, time with friends, and time to work on personal projects allows you to really connect when you are together, without feeling suffocated. We build trust when we afford ourselves, and our partners, some breathing room.
We all are involved in relationships with our parents, siblings, spouses, children, and friends. However, sometimes we fail to have adequate boundaries leading to broken and unhealthy relationships.
No matter what it is for you, the fact is that healthy boundaries are a two-way street. And an absence of healthy boundaries will lead to emotional distress for all people involved. No healthy relationship was ever created by someone without healthy boundaries.
Codependent people with loose and inadequate boundaries tend to develop too much tolerance for pain and insanity. Sometimes, it is difficult for them to notice that someone is hurting them, or they are hurting others or even themselves. It is important to build up on self esteem in order to be able to set boundaries.
As we develop self confidence, we are able to set firm limits with those around us. Once we learn to take care of our needs, engage in self nurturing activities, make wise decisions and understand the difference between need and want, we are able to set boundaries in our relationships. Moreover, it is also helpful to be aware of our likes and dislikes, exercise our personal rights, value and listen to ourselves.
“Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.” ~ Melody Beattie
We need to exercise caution when setting boundaries. It should not be confused with building thick walls around ourselves. It is important to note that the purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, trespassing, or being invaded. The key to loving relationships is having adequate boundaries.
For many years I neglected my own needs. I now prioritize personal time to do individual activities: reading, writing, walking, reflecting. I started to heal once I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life.
I consistently lived in a high-stress vortex, terrified of people, abandonment, and life itself. I worried so much about all of the things that were outside of my control, often, other people. I realize now that life is meant to be enjoyed and savored. Good and bad things will happen, but with a centered and balanced heart, we can get over any obstacles.
The key to balance, for me, is to live fully in every moment, accepting life for what it is. Even when I’m feeling down, I know that the Universe has my back and everything in life is unfolding as it should.
If you don’t hold this belief, it might help to remember that you have your own back, and you can handle whatever is coming. When you trust in yourself, and focus on yourself instead of others, it’s much easier to enjoy life and stop living in fear.
First things first, the answer to the question in the title is “NO.”
I’m gonna start off talking about this one fine evening when I was riding back home with a friend (who I met after years of procrastination for reasons unknown). I don’t really remember why but we were discussing about me wanting to get married soon, I was 25 when I said this. (please know my memory is terribly selective in remembering stuff)
And prompt came his reply, “WHY ARE YOU SO DESPERATE TO FALL IN LOVE?” Honestly, it wasn’t expected & so my immediate reaction was a stern look at him. I remember rambling something in my defence. I may not recollect my exact words but I said something like “You’d not get it. It’s not just about falling in love or getting married, it’s something more deep-rooted. Also, I’m far from being desperate because if I was, I would’ve happily dated any & every random guy. I haven’t.”
Yes, you’ve read that right. I was 25 & single with no dating/relationship history. Obviously I’ve had like so many crushes! Also, I did have a bestfriend whom I loved immensely & a couple of “prospects” but I happily let go off them as they wouldn’t have made it to the future & I never wanted to be with someone for the thrill. I was always very sure of being with someone that “LOVES ME FOREVER.” (Yeah, I believe in forevers. I’m a very old school romantic).
A couple of weeks ago, another friend of mine said, “Why do you wanna be in love? It sucks. It’s does no good.” She spoke about her relationship & also about her best friend’s love story. She emphasised on how “self-love” & “career” are way superior than having a romantic partner.
Well, last night, I watched this video that talks about “Neuroscience Of Love” & it made me realise how my feelings were “natural” & luckily I have a good control over my brain (PFC) which hasn’t been “desperate” & settled for any random guy. You can watch it here : https://youtu.be/751tAVlH0Y8
But there’s more to my quest. There’s a genuine reason why I am “hopeful” not “desperate” to fall in love. The other day I stumbled upon an article that quoted :
The beginning stages of love, as well as how we pursue and give it throughout our lives, depends a lot on our parents, explained the psychologist. “We are born as helpless infants, dependent on our parent to fulfill our needs. Love, then, becomes need fulfillment and we seek this same love out as adults,” she says.
“If your parents fulfilled your need to be emotionally nurtured by giving you love, you then developed into an adult who has love to give. But if your emotional needs were not nurtured, you did not fully develop and instead became a demanding and anxious adult still seeking the love you missed as a child.”
Karla Menninger : “Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.”
I read another one which spoke about the role self-image especially your body image plays in the psychology of love. Having been someone on the heavier side of weight ( no sympathies, I’m proud of it & there’s so much history to the weight gain, so never mind) , I can totally relate & understand how it makes it more difficult. I’ve had guys telling me “I love you, if only you were thinner, we would’ve been a thing.” “You’re so amazing, just the kinda girl I would wanna have, will you be my BEST FRIEND?” Funny right? Lol, but not at all surprising. I can totally understand how our brains are conditioned to feel attracted to a certain body type. But it feels stupid when you know you deserve the love you crave but you may not find it because they’re busy looking at the weighing scale.
Victor Hugo : The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
I’m not gonna divert & get into the details about how & why this plays a role in my life as that’s the chapter I may never open up to but I do want to reiterate that I want to fall in love. I want to have a partner who can spoil me with happiness. I want to have a man who can “complete” me & fill up all the voids.
Blaise Pascal : “The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.”
Does that mean I’m pulling up a stack of expectations on my future partner? NO. Does that mean I’m waiting for him to be happy & would roam being a sad mess? NO. Does that mean I’m being desperate? Lol, definitely NOT.
It means I’ve a lot of hopes. It means I have many emotions that go beyond happiness which aren’t even felt by me, the ones which I think he may help me get to. It means I am seeking for love with all my heart.
Loving somebody is the conscious decision you make to be together, to trust them, to care for them. You can love your friends, you can love your family. But, you can’t (or weren’t) be in love with those people. That’s a completely different feeling. And I want to experience that feeling. Even if it means being heart broken at the end of it, I’m all in for the gamble.
You may think there isn’t anything THAT great about being loved. After all, it’s just another emotion for you to live without, right? Wrong. Being loved feels so amazing because it’s such a powerful feeling that drives us, as humans, to exist.
Our innate desire is to find others to love us and to be accepted. That’s why feeling loved is just so great. It’s in our DNA to want to be loved in order for our species to survive. The trouble with this is that when you don’t feel it, it affects you more than any other feeling.
The heady rush of falling in love is intoxicating and refreshing at the same time. When you are in love, the world seems like a great place to be in. Love has that effect on. Life seems worthy of living, and fate seems more giving. Being in love is therefore one of the most enriching and precious experiences of one’s life.
William Blake : “Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a heaven in hell’s despair.”
From being a needy child to becoming a vulnerable adult with a mask
From being the one who wore her heart on sleeves to having walls guard up against her heart
From having many friends to becoming someone who doesn’t believe in the tag anymore
From being a chirpy little girl to now struggling with finding the right words to express
From being the people’s person to now believing in solitude
From being the one living in a bubble to now bursting it every single day
From crying over smallest of things to now smiling through the storms
From saying I love you & meaning it to now shying away from expressing even basic care
From chasing happiness to now seeking peace
From being a little girl wanting to be wrapped in love to becoming a woman looking for her soulmate
For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments.
A lot has happened, a lot has changed. Many came, many went. Life has been a roller coaster. BUT the one thing that hasn’t changed is my “Quest For Love”
Love is not an equation, it is not a contract, and it is not a happy ending. Love is the slate under the chalk, the ground that buildings rise, and the oxygen in the air. It is the place you come back to, no matter where you’re headed.
My last blog post or should I say, “vent” was in 2017 ! It’s been 3 years and somehow the feeling even though more evolved remains still the same at the core.
It took me months to finally get into this. I’ll be honest, I was thinking about “a topic”. Unlike older times, I don’t really “feel anything” these days to talk about. That’s true, I’ve become as indifferent & emotionally detached as I can be.
A few weeks back, I came across some of my older chats with the people who meant the world to me (hahhaa, I know I keep going back to the past, sorry) but it didn’t move me in the way I’d have imagine, instead, it put me into introspection.
”We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” –Brené Brown
I’ll be honest, that was the first time when I genuinely felt like writing on my blog again. I had this perfect draft setup in my head & I was ready to “vent” again. But I couldn’t.
Was it because it didn’t seem important? Or was it because I was exhausted with all the writing I did professionally for the past couple of years. Honestly, I am not sure. But here’s what happened : I spoke to “my people” and I shared how I wish I could go back to writing, I expressed how hard it was to get back. Did it help? A little, yes.
It still didn’t push me to finally go for it. So what bought me here? My morning. It’s strange how you never discover the scars you carry till the only option you have is to embrace them.
I woke up this morning to something that makes me emotionally vulnerable. Something that, no matter how old I get, still moves me. It shakes me. I may have become an expert at “acting indifferent” towards it but tonight, I finally realised how it still breaks me. I realised how all of this is a facade.
But I am glad. I am glad as it made me just “vent” whatever I am feeling. And it feels so good to do that after such a long time.
Does this mean, I’ll be back & more consistent? I don’t know. Does this mean, I’m hurting & vulnerable? I’ll mask that well.
Some scars are so deep rooted that you tend to forget how they still exist but yet they need healing. I have overcome a lot of my demons over the past couple of years (I hope I truly have) and I feel almost healed until these one/many tiny incidents occur & I go back to being the small child who is scared and needs to be warmed in love. But I am glad that I have progressed. I am glad I can now fight them a little more bravely.
“She wore her battle scars like wings, looking at her you would never know that once upon a time she forgot how to fly.”― Nikki Rowe
I know it’d take another soul to intertwine with mine for me to feel healed. I know this void will never fill until I find it. I know this means accepting that I am emotionally dependent. I know this makes me come off as a needy person. I know it’s wrong to be expecting someone else to take the responsibility of healing you. I know. I KNOW.
But what I also know is that god’s plans are bigger & better than my thinking. Call it destiny, call it belief, call it faith. I just know that it’ll happen someday. I just know that I’ll be free from this someday. I just know that I’ll no longer feel like venting someday.
And till I reach that day, I will keep protecting myself, I’ll keep hiding under the mask of indifference, I’ll keep hoping.
”Love is the most important healing power there is.” – Louise Hay
P.S : Thank you for reading my “oh so personal” blog/vent. It means a lot to me. If you’re reading this, I want to send good vibes, love, luck, happiness and prosperity your way. May the universe bless you with all things great.♥️
The decisions she once made, were now blurry.
The people she waved goodbye, were now being missed.
Was she ever wrong in choosing her self first or was it all about how the time played its game?
Sitting in dark, she still wonders were they worth the effort.
A little buzz on her phone reverts, baby nobody’s worthier than you and nobody would ever be.
Alas, she fell asleep with her thoughts still mingling and heart still hoping.
We have always held this term with highest regard. There are millions of people who have left a mark by proving their eternal friendship. More than million quotes , books , plays have been written. And all this leads to one thing that kills human the most : Expectations!!
Expectations of being perfect and most idealistic.
But is it fair ? Is it okay to compare your individual equation with someone based on the hype that revolves around this term ?? Is it fair to define this term and bound it with your rules ?? Is it ??
We all have different friends : childhood friends , school friends , building friends , college friends , social media friends , good friends , time pass friends , whenever in need friends , 4 am friends , hanging out friends, family friends and BEST FRIENDS !!!!
Yes the word itself holds a pool of expectations and idealism. Your best friend is supposed to be yours only. He/She has to share everything with you. Do whatever you tell them to. Be with you everytime you cry. Celebrate all your joys like their own. Hate the people you hate. And above all be with you FOREVER !!
Why?? Is friendship about being ideal? Does it mean that no matter how special you were to them if they decide to drift away they are bad ? That if life changes them and their priorities don’t match yours they are bad ? That if your growth is hampered as a human in stage of life you still shouldn’t let go? Is friendship only about being the best version of idealism to someone ???
Friendship is a term in dictionary!! You add meaning and value to it by your own likes and dislikes in other person. Friendship is all about you and your friend . It’s not about the world !! If you both could make a difference in each other’s life but couldn’t last forever it means your definitions changed and that’s okay , Change is the only constant !
Remember we are all humans and we all have different destiny and most of the times we are parted away to solve the purpose of our life and that’s just okay. Don’t energise everything on terms ; focus more on your definitions and you shall always find meaning.
Friendship is not about forevers it’s about letting yourself be the best version of YOU with or without them by your side.
P.S. I know you had a rough patch recently and that it’s hard but you have got this , okay ?? I have been busy with stuff and couldn’t really write but take this as my token for what you achieved today 🙂 I am proud of you dear friend. Thank you for appreciating my writing , this one is just for you . Hope it helps you Define !! Be Wise !! Be You 🙂